r/AskReddit Nov 29 '22 Silver 3 Gold 1 Helpful 3 Wholesome 3 All-Seeing Upvote 1 Press F 1

Who is the GOAT stand up comedian?



u/Western-Nothing Nov 30 '22 Starry

"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them." - Rodney Dangerfield.


u/kruschev246 Nov 30 '22

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy, I asked for a second opinion and he said “alright you’re ugly too!”


u/Western-Nothing Nov 30 '22


He got no respect at all

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u/Realistic-Cheetah-14 Nov 30 '22

I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.


u/eastern-cowboy Nov 30 '22 edited Dec 01 '22

King of self deprecating humor.

After making love to this girl she started crying. I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said “No, I hate myself now!”

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u/FamiT0m Nov 30 '22

“My girlfriend called and told me ‘come over, no one is home.’ I went over. No one was home.”

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u/[deleted] Nov 30 '22

When I was born, the doctor took one look at me and slapped my mother!


u/Bootziscool Nov 30 '22

When I was a kid my parents took me to a child psychologist. I tell ya that kid was no help at all.

When I got home the other nighty wife met me at the door wearing some sexy lingerie. Only problem is she was just getting home too!

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u/Lonely_Gargoyle Nov 29 '22 Gold Take My Energy

Came to say Carlin as he was brilliant at his craft, and Pryor was his equal from another mother, but of all the names I saw mentioned, no one mentioned Redd Foxx. Most of you all only know/knew him from Sanford & Son, but that was at the end of his life. He came up in the clubs pre and post the civil rights movement. He was also known as the "King of the party records"; you couldn't buy one of his records without it being in a plain brown paper bag. Blue before blue became blue.

And there was also Uncle Miltie, Milton Berle. Known not only for his raunchy comedy, but for also being well endowed. I'd also care to mention Martin Short for his ability to not work blue and still get the laughs.

All the other names mentioned have their place, depending on your preference, but sometimes it's the OG's that deserve the title for what they had to go through to get to where they did.


u/jakeputz Nov 30 '22

Quick Redd Foxx joke I remember fondly from my childhood.
I asked her "do you smoke after you fuck?"
She said "I don't know, I never looked"


u/jimmyjazz2000 Nov 30 '22

My all time fave reds foxx joke, explaining why he swears so much in his act.

“People say, redd why you say fuck and shit so much?

Cause if you can’t fuck, shit. And if you can’t shit, FUCK!”

That’s just about the funniest joke I’ve ever heard.

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u/RoccoTaco_Dog Nov 30 '22

This lady said she wanted me to give her 9 inches and make it hurt. So I fucked her 3 times and hit her in the head with a brick.

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u/REMER362 Nov 30 '22

“A lot of people here tonight don’t drink or smoke, don’t eat salt or butter or lard or fat, cuz they wanna live. Live that good life. You’re gonna feel like a dame fool at the hospital dying from nothing.”

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u/SoItGoesdotdotdot Nov 30 '22

What's the difference between a peeping Tom and a pickpocket?

A pickpocket snatches watches.


u/jasmanta Nov 30 '22

What's the difference between an epileptic corn husker and a prostitute with diarrhea?

One shucks and has the fits.

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u/Rude-Painter-6499 Nov 30 '22

Man I thought that was an Austin Powers joke - glad to know the original source lol

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u/ramblingnonsense Nov 30 '22

I think it was Redd Foxx who got heckled about his limp:

Idiot: Hey! Hey Redd, why you limpin'?

Redd: I got a hard-on.

Actually, typed out, it's not that funny. It's the way he doesn't miss a beat on the reply, and his tone just adds "yeah, that weirdo was staring at my dick."


u/OPsuxdick Nov 30 '22

Half the stuff Mitch said is not funny typed out but his delivery sold it and he's my favorite comedian.

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u/ilovejalapenopizza Nov 30 '22

No, it’s really funny.

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u/Pudf Nov 30 '22

I saw Milton Berle in 1969 on a riverboat show in Michigan. I don’t remember much of the show, but I did see Milton Berle. George Goebel, Bob Newhart, Louis Armstrong as well in that time period. Quite a crew of ‘seasoned’ performers came through that town of about 3,500 people.

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u/Extension-Ferret5682 Nov 29 '22 Wholesome

Sean lock. Rip :(


u/moxtrox Nov 30 '22

I’d like to keep my carrot… 😢


u/Wood-and-Whiskey Nov 30 '22

Nazi Island, the survival show no one wanted.


u/MySonHas2BrokenArms Nov 30 '22

That man really knew how to check a box


u/irishwonder Nov 30 '22

One of the quickest wits I've seen. He'll be remembered fondly, except for the time he brought all the Nazis back

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u/thedukejck Nov 29 '22 Gold Wholesome

George Carlin but honorable mention to Richard Pryor.


u/AlwaysLastToKnow75 Nov 30 '22 Take My Energy

This is the correct answer in the correct order.


u/OnyxTeaCup Nov 30 '22

Seriously Wtf… perfection. We are all just one amoeba guys just fyi.

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u/mrgiggles5555 Nov 30 '22

Carlin was never "funny" to me. Just said a lot of poignant things that happened to be amusing.

I would take Richard Pryor.

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u/Mindless-Sort6685 Nov 29 '22 Silver Gold Wholesome Pot o' Coins

For me it's Richard Pryor.


u/ItsEarthDay Nov 29 '22

Richard Pryor

Without a doubt, he revolutionized stand up comedy. Listen to almost all of his contemporaries and and you can quickly tell how different and outdated their comedy is, including the topics to their delivery. Richard Pryor popularized cohesive deeply personal comedy, as opposed to the string of non-sequitur one-liners that was popular at his time. He told stories that happened to be funny and entertaining. This has served as a template for so many other great comedians.


u/MacinTez Nov 29 '22

Richard Pryor changed comedy, even Carlin became more liberated in his stand up style due to the impact Pryor had on stand up. There is not a comedian on the list that is more vulnerable and tragic. That man turned all his trauma into humor. There has never been a comedian more capable of gathering empathy from his audience regardless of what color, gender, or ethnicity they were.

On the clean side? Sinbad is the greatest. I like Sinbad more than Cosby on the clean end.


u/FN1987 Nov 29 '22 Gold

Yeah. Sinbad is entertaining, Cosby just puts me to sleep.


u/electricmaster23 Nov 29 '22 Silver

The worst part is the hypocrisy.


u/FN1987 Nov 29 '22 Gold Helpful

I mean, I think the worst part is all the rape but that’s just me. 🤷🏻

RIP: Norm

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u/butt_muppet Nov 29 '22

And the scheming

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u/CottaBird Nov 29 '22

Agreed. Mel Brooks agrees with us, and I think that speaks volumes.


u/haibiji Nov 29 '22

As an aside, Mel Brooks is one of the funniest people ever.

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u/guyuteharpua Nov 29 '22 edited Nov 29 '22

I'm with you - I used to devour his albums when I was in 5th grade. He's not going to be high in this list because 1. Many on here haven't heard his albums and 2. Many won't appreciate how he was far edgier than the rest during his time - today, he'd be considered the same as other comedians, but back then he was breaking new ground.

Edit: This was like 15th when I wrote this.

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u/AgeofReakon Nov 29 '22 Silver Helpful All-Seeing Upvote

The late 'Sean Lock'


u/Captain-Insulin Nov 29 '22

He's so multi talented. I heard he even won rectum of the year once


u/Ammehoelahoep Nov 29 '22

He also owned a "shoplifter of the year" throphy. Didn't win it though.

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u/yllikuq Nov 29 '22

Easily confused with rear of the year


u/flagg1209 Nov 29 '22

It's like rear of the year, but with the gloves off

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u/Adler4290 Nov 29 '22

He nearly killed Claudia Winkleman with that skit,


She couldn't breathe properly during that :)


u/BuckRusty Nov 29 '22

The last time I watched it, the missus rushed into the room thinking I was having an asthma attack.

Wheezing, crying, gasping for air, but completely gripped in unstoppable laughter.

It wasn’t even the first time I’d seen it - I just crease everything god damn time.


u/stylecrime Nov 29 '22

Bloody hilarious.

choke stop talking! gasp

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u/birdman619 Nov 29 '22

He was undefeated at carrot in a box

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u/MassiveFajiit Nov 29 '22

Carrot in a box world champ.


u/Devil-Hunter-Jax Nov 29 '22

That was such a long con and he played it off so fucking perfect.

For anyone who hasn't seen it, watch this. (might not be available outside the UK so I'll see if I can find y'all a video of it that should be available to everyone)

EDIT: Got one. Here ya go folks. That SHOULD be viewable for folks outside the UK. Enjoy.


u/Sir-Mocks-A-Lot Nov 29 '22

I know exactly the video you're talking about... and now I must watch it again. Fucking glorious.

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u/SendMeNudesThough Nov 29 '22

And now he'll forever be undefeated in Carrot-in-a-Box

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u/gramathy Nov 29 '22

Sean Lock was the king of the dry off-color comment


u/AngusVanhookHinson Nov 29 '22

That's a challenging wank!


u/Krasker Nov 30 '22

My personal favorite is when he promises a guest not to spit on them during sex


u/Snow-Wraith Nov 30 '22

"Good luck getting it in without the spit."

The comeback from Miles was just as amazing.


u/CompleX999 Nov 30 '22

That and Nazi Island idea gave me some burst blood vessels from laughing

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u/Clay_Pigeon Nov 29 '22

A challenging wank.


u/MrHedgehogMan Nov 29 '22

One of the funniest off-the-cuff jokes in the history of TV.

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u/Abadatha Nov 29 '22

Sean Lock was just hilarious. Sad to have only discovered him a few months before his passing.


u/Scarbane Nov 29 '22

The silver lining is that you have years of 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown to watch! (you can find episodes on YouTube)

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u/byttle Nov 29 '22

"Dear Florence you've not replied to my last 15 letters. I called at the Abattoir the other day but they said you'd be ages because you have 150 lambs to do... I could hear your laughter over the bleating.. I'm heart broken of course but I'm now seeing Elizabeth from Neptunes Sea Bar. I think shes had a coil fitted so I wont need those condoms back."


u/soslowagain Nov 29 '22

You can’t write tears Jimmy

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u/IlsoBibe Nov 29 '22 Silver Gold Helpful Wholesome All-Seeing Upvote Rocket Like To The Stars

Billy Connolly


u/nakedmeeple Nov 29 '22

Billy is the master of comedy storytelling. I could listen to him gab for ages. There's something quaint and endlessly pleasant about his anecdotes, delivered through that iconic Scottish burr.


u/shedevilinasnuggie Nov 30 '22

He's who I thought about first too. He introduced me to country music. ..🎵 yodelayhee-ayhee-ayhee-whoowhoo

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u/Vicxas Nov 29 '22

Can’t believe how far I had to scroll down for this answer. He’s one of the few comedians who have made me cry laughing


u/Tel-aran-rhiod Nov 29 '22

He's just got this real natural charisma and gift for storytelling. It's almost like he's just amusing himself and you're invited along for the ride

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u/Bollino Nov 29 '22

I vividly remember watching one of his shows on video and I fell off the sofa laughing! I went to see him live and can’t remember anything about the show except laughing, my face hurt so much! What a legend.

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u/jonnyh420 Nov 29 '22

He’s in his own league tbf

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u/cat_blep Nov 30 '22

Scrolled a ton and lot of good answers but haven’t seen Carol Burnett mentioned, so mentioning her greatness.

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u/nonamesareavailable2 Nov 29 '22 Silver Helpful Starry

George Carlin.


u/sixtoe72 Nov 29 '22

[Checking the top comment from when this was asked last week]

Yup! George Carlin!


u/SleepsOnDecks Nov 29 '22 edited Nov 29 '22

It's like answering Rumours in the "What album is great from start to finish" threads. Even if you've never personally experienced it, you know you can post it and be upvoted to the top.

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u/skaz915 Nov 29 '22

Did you know he also narrated the Thomas the train show? Just learned that about a month ago


u/redyellowblue5031 Nov 29 '22

I grew up watching that show with him as the conductor. My cousin introduced me to Carlin way too young and it blew my mind at the time that such vulgarity came from the same man.


u/SmokingCryptid Nov 29 '22 Helpful

Growing up in the early 90's was wild, wasn't it?

I remember both George Carlin and Ringo Star being the conductor on Shining Time Station and later realizing who they were.

The biggest one for me was Bob Saget. Seeing him do stand up for the first time when you only knew him from Full House was the biggest whiplash.


u/SirIsaacGnuton Nov 29 '22

Check out Saget's version of The Aristocrat joke.


u/Adin-CA Nov 29 '22

“…so her glass eye fell out… and he saw this as an opportunity…” (apologies if I got the quote wrong, but you really have to hear it for yourself, anyway!)


u/BeautifulStranger80s Nov 29 '22

I knew him from americas funniest videos before full house for some reason. Yeah then his comedy is like wtf wow!

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u/TimelyConcern Nov 29 '22 Silver

I have a feeling you will enjoy this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2a_gW1KvuFk (NSFW)


u/sjbennett85 Nov 29 '22


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u/_Unbound_Sects_ Nov 29 '22 Silver

Carlin would be hard to top.


u/InternetName_1 Nov 29 '22

“You hear Bob died?”

“Aw no kiddin I just saw him the other day”

“Yea? It didn’t help”


u/Noctudeit Nov 29 '22

They told me to get on the plane. I said screw that, I'm getting in the plane! There's less wind in there...


u/44inarow Nov 29 '22

"They might tell you you’re on a 'non-stop flight'. Well, I don’t think I care for that. No, I insist that my flight stop! Preferably at an airport."

I use that one, and variations thereof, at least once a week. Along with, "That's not a near-miss, that's a near-HIT. A collision is a near-miss! 'Look... they nearly missed. But not quite!'"


u/OtherNameFullOfPorn Nov 29 '22

Near miss is one of my go to phrases too. That and calling people that drive faster than me an idiot and slower and asshole.


u/ThaiJohnnyDepp Nov 29 '22

Actual quote: "Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

But yeah. I reference this all the time

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u/garyll19 Nov 29 '22

"In the event of a water landing...". There is no " water landings.". It's a CRASH!


u/polish_miracle Nov 29 '22

Just what I wanna do, float around the North Atlantic clinging to a pillow full of beer farts

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u/Funkit Nov 29 '22

Yes i always breathe normally when im in a 500mph uncontrolled vertical dive. I also shit normally, directly into my pants!

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u/Kajeke Nov 29 '22

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”


u/Sirflow Nov 29 '22

Somewhere there exists the worst doctor in the entire world. And someone has an appointment to see them tomorrow.


u/Sofiztikated Nov 29 '22

What do you call someone that barely scraped a pass in med school? Doctor.

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u/remembertracygarcia Nov 29 '22

That sentence should be enshrined on a golden tablet somewhere atop a significant mountain for eternity

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u/thewoodlayer Nov 29 '22

“I lost my father.”

“Hmm, well I’m sure he’ll turn up.”


u/GodMasol Nov 29 '22

in his raspy voice

"He didn't die."

"He passed away!"


u/Jimid41 Nov 29 '22

My condolences, let me know if there's anything I can do.

Sure could you paint the garage?


u/redisforever Nov 29 '22 edited Nov 30 '22

Fuck 'em! Put 'em to work!

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u/GalacticDystopia Nov 29 '22

No one is ever broke anymore, they just have a negative income situation

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u/Alphaplague Nov 29 '22

"I'm sure he's down there now, screaming up at us."


u/teddyburges Nov 29 '22

Carlin really did age like a fine wine. I listened to some of his earlier material when he was younger, but it didn't have the same punch. His voice was smoother and got a lot more raspy as he got older.

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u/kingdead42 Nov 29 '22

"He expired like a magazine subscription."

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u/samuraisports37 Nov 29 '22

Did you check the dumpster? He used to like to take a nap in there.

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u/thepluralofmooses Nov 29 '22

My grandfather used to say something to me. He used to say GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY WAY, MAN!

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u/3gencustomcycles Nov 29 '22

In fact seeing you may have made his cancer more aggressive. How do you live with yourself

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u/MrPreviz Nov 29 '22

He did it when there were still real risks to comedy. He got arrested for jokes. Carlin is the forever GOAT


u/lj6877 Nov 29 '22

I saw picture once on r/oldschoolcool of Lenny Bruce being led away in handcuffs on obscenity charges because of his jokes. George Carlin was right behind him being arrested for failure to identify.


u/AdkRaine11 Nov 29 '22

Well, I think Bruce and Mort Sahl lead the way for all those guys.

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u/Krautmonster Nov 29 '22

Agreed, not only that but a lot of his standup holds up today. Same with Pryor, I think in order for a comedian to be among the GOAT'S their work should be able to for the most part, be relevant today across generations.


u/MADDOGCA Nov 29 '22

Sadly, his joke about how the education system in the US is never going to get better still holds true to this day.


u/lamNoOne Nov 29 '22

And abortion.


u/lentilpasta Nov 29 '22

And much lower stakes, but also men’s names. The joke about guys named Tucker and Todd is forever my favorite

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u/RxOxBizz Nov 29 '22

While I agree, there is an argument for Pryor.

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u/AgentVI Nov 29 '22

The fact that Carlin is both the #1 and #2 comment at the time I'm writing this should show something.


u/Legacy_1_X Nov 29 '22

I'd put Lenny Bruce on that list as well as he was Carlin's inspiration and one of the pioneers of being able to swear in comedy.


u/jimmyjazz2000 Nov 29 '22 edited Nov 29 '22 Bravo!

Lenny's on the list, but his body of work supports Carlin's claim to the crown. Unlike Lenny, whose comedy was breakthrough at the time but has aged quite poorly, Carlin's comedy has more than stood the test of time, it's perhaps more relevant today, and just as funny. Kind of a miracle, but really all part of his plan, I suspect. A true genius.


u/Esselon Nov 29 '22

It's also interesting to watch George Carlin's evolution in comedy and attitude over time. While he was always a bit subversive, he went from more silly and goofy to angry and vitriolic as time went on.

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u/electrolytesaregood Nov 29 '22

Totally agree. This is exactly why Carlin is the GOAT. He was one of the only people alive who could joke about absolutely anything, have it land well at the time, and have it age well. I can't think of anyone else I could say that about.


u/CalEPygous Nov 29 '22

Yeah watch his like 26 year take on abortion - as relevant today as it was then.



u/from_dust Nov 29 '22

.... yanno, in my 2022, i think i'd be willing to trade places with the corpse of George Carlin. I'd trade places, and my remaining years should be given to him, for the benefit of all those dumb motherfuckers out there that need to hear someone speak sense with more directness and eloquent simplicity than i can muster.

I dont care how old he was, he died too soon.


u/Plane_Street_336 Nov 30 '22

I'd trade your remaining years for more Carlin too.

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u/spagheddieballs Nov 29 '22

"Not every ejaculation deserves a name."

lmao what a legend

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u/electrolytesaregood Nov 29 '22

God what an MVP. "Is it possible we shouldn't be burning all this coal??" LOL


u/SoundFoxstripe Nov 30 '22

Haha, that's the best one for me too :D

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u/ThePaulHammer Nov 29 '22

I think it's just bc he's an deeply empathetic guy


u/Opicepus Nov 29 '22 edited Nov 29 '22

I think its mostly cause he kept at it so long. When people are talking about Carlins body of work they are usually only talking about the last 10 or 20 years.

Stand up comedy is more of a learned skill that requires alot of practice more than people realize, and Carlin had quite a while to hone that craft. I think the fact that he never rested on his laurels and kept working to stay relevant at every stage of his career has more to do with it than anything


u/GhOsT_wRiTeR_XVI Nov 29 '22

Bruce and Carlin are kinda like Aristotle and Plato - Both brilliant and one walked so that the other could run. Lenny Bruce truly upended comedy and free speech while he was at it, and Carlin took up the torch and lit the way for all the stand ups we enjoy today.

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u/OnionButter Nov 29 '22

He’s down there, smiling up at us

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u/LMFN Nov 29 '22

He's not afraid apparently.

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u/ekuadam Nov 29 '22

Carlin and Pryor. I go back and forth.


u/dukeofgibbon Nov 29 '22

Richard burned himself up, I said fuck it, I'll have another heart attack.


u/Jam_E_Dodger Nov 29 '22

"I now lead Richard Pryor 2 to 1 in heart attacks.

I had a heart attack. HE had a heart attack.

Then he blew himself up... And I said 'fuck that! I'm havin' another heart attack!

It was a god damn myocardial infarction!"


u/AnonAlcoholic Nov 30 '22

The "funny" thing is that they ended up tied in heart attacks at the end.


u/tofudisan Nov 29 '22

I recall seeing Pryor do a bit about when he git burned while doing drugs. He basically said "Yeah I heard the jokes about me. Like this one," and he takes a lit match and makes it bounce from one side to the other and says "What's this? It's Richard Pryor!"

I was amazed he would share a joke about himself like that.


u/leglesslegolegolas Nov 30 '22

And much of the impact of the joke is lost if you're not watching him do it on stage with burn scars all over his face and hands


u/RoccoTaco_Dog Nov 30 '22

All these motherfuckers smoke crack and I gotta be the one to set myself on fire.

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u/caffeinetriplet Nov 29 '22

I LOVE Carlin, but Mel Brooks says it’s Pryor, so I gotta defer to the guy that basically has an EGOT for comedy. Still too bad WB wouldn’t let him be Sheriff Bart in Blazing Saddles.

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u/lonelysilverrain Nov 29 '22

I'm surprised Bob Newhart gets no love. Go back and listen to his old comedy albums from the 60s. The man was genius. His 1960 album won 2 Grammy's for Album of the Year and Best New Artist. Was he a push the edge of the envelope kind of comedian in the vein of Lenny Bruce, Richard Pryor or George Carlin? Probably not. He just made people laugh.


u/billybishop4242 Nov 29 '22

Yes! bob Newhart’s stage/comedic “style” is not currently in fashion … but his work was absolutely foundational.


u/Adin-CA Nov 29 '22

Straight-faced comics in general are not as easily loved as charming, rubber-faced clowns (in a good sense) like Robin Williams. But they can be just as funny. I once saw Newhart “testify” in front of some random congressional committee and it took the congressmen about ten minutes of his rambling “testimony” to figure out that he was actually telling an elaborate joke. Even the congressmen were laughing helplessly, and if you can get belly laughs out congressmen you’ve really accomplished something!


u/eddiewachowski Nov 30 '22

I can't look at him without laughing. His delivery is so perfect.


u/mnorri Nov 30 '22

His one-sided telephone conversations were amazing. It’s all about timing. There’s a reason the original Bob Newhart show opening began with him answering a telephone.

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u/friendly-the-pumpkin Nov 29 '22

Yeah.. Era has a lot to do with it. Rodney Dangerfield was great in his time as well, due to creating the persona. Bob the same with his. Mitch, certainly. Creating the person is the key. Carlin, Pryor, Rock Chappelle seem like 'is just them being them', but they're smart and created the character for the crowd. That's my take.

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u/Jubileedean Nov 29 '22

I found an old episode of the Dean Martin Show with Bob and Dean in a skit as department store wig counter sales clerk and customer. Dean couldn’t keep a straight face, and Bob was the perfect deadpan when he replied off script and just flattened him. Game over :):):)


u/eljefino Nov 29 '22

The Carol Burnett ensemble went off script with hilarious results as well. Usually it was Tim Conway going after Harvey Korman.

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u/JayPapy Nov 29 '22


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u/joejag Nov 29 '22

Bob Newhart's "Stop It" routine is one of my favourites: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ow0lr63y4Mw

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u/Warpanda3030 Nov 30 '22 GOAT

No Bill Hicks fans in here?

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u/abarrelofmankeys Nov 29 '22 edited Nov 29 '22 Silver Gold Helpful Wholesome All-Seeing Upvote Take My Energy Starry Heartwarming Endless Coolness Tearing Up I'll Drink to That Take My Power Wholesome (Pro) Mind Blown Awesome Answer

Mitch hedberg used to be the goat. He still is, but he used to be too.


u/[deleted] Nov 29 '22 edited Dec 01 '22 All-Seeing Upvote



u/bobert_the_grey Nov 29 '22

I saw a wine-o, he was eating grapes. I was like "you gotta wait!"

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u/HunterIrked Nov 29 '22

Unless you are a table.

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u/fallingbomb Nov 29 '22

I'm against picketing but I don't know how to show it.


u/pinslayer Nov 29 '22

This is probably my favorite one-liner of all time.

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u/SerbianTarHeel Nov 29 '22

"They say the recipe for sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home and there's more to it than that."

"You want some more homemade sprite?"

"Not til you figure out what the fuck else is in it!"

Pure genius comedy.


u/imabigdave Nov 29 '22

"Mr Pibb, why'd you have to drop out of college and start making soda so soon?"


u/Howamidriving27 Nov 30 '22

Dude didn't even get his degree!


u/PlusAnotherGuy Nov 30 '22

Dr, Scholl is a doctor, which means he went to medical school. It took him nine years to learn that cushions make shoes comfortable. That man wasted his time, because I woulda bought that shit from a MISTER Scholl!

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u/MonteBurns Nov 30 '22

My dad has a soda stream and asked if I wanted some of their version of sprite. I said “not til you figure what the fuck else is in it!” The only time I’ve been able to drop an f bomb in their home and not get yelled at 😂 also thanks to autocorrect, I’d like to add: “it’s for a duck.”

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u/lemonylol Nov 29 '22 edited Nov 30 '22

The beauty of Mitch Hedberg's comedy his jokes are so simple and short that you can easily remember them and tell them to other people for a second-hand laugh. Of course you'd be missing out on his perfect delivery though.

edit: bonus set from Just for Laughs. I used to watch this like every day before college lol


u/QuestionMarkyMark Nov 30 '22

I had a ant farm once… those fuckers couldn’t grow shit!

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u/Throwedaway99837 Nov 29 '22

He basically pioneered the short form style of humor that became a modern norm via platforms like Twitter.

Sure, one-liners have always been a thing, but the way he incorporated irony and anti-joke elements was pretty groundbreaking.


u/DerpNinjaWarrior Nov 30 '22

Oh man, Mitch would have totally owned Twitter...

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u/thatswacyo Nov 29 '22

Of course you'd be missing out on his perfect delivery though.

My favorites are when he starts laughing before the joke is finished. You know it's going to be a good one.

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u/QuitUsingMyNames Nov 30 '22

My old coworkers and I used to quote him all the time. Our boss legit banned us from answering filing questions with, “it’s under D… for donut.”

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u/mastershake04 Nov 29 '22

I still remember seeing Mitch's standup for the first time and then looking up every performance I could find by him. And by doing that I learned he had died like literally a week before I discovered him :(

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u/SerbianTarHeel Nov 29 '22

"I like my UPS driver man because he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it!"

"Killing someone with a bow and arrow is wild. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way'"


u/bloodanddonuts Nov 29 '22

“An escalator can never break: It can only become stairs. You should never see an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order’ sign, just ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. You can still get up there.’”


u/Devreckas Nov 29 '22

I walked by a dry cleaner at 3am and there was a sign that said “Sorry, We’re closed.” You don’t have to be sorry. It’s 3am and you’re a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I’m not going to come by and at 10 and say “Hey, I came by at 3am and you were closed. Somebody owes me an apology.”


u/Specific-Gain5710 Nov 30 '22

“If 13 is an unlucky number then so should the letter b. Because it looks like a scrunched together 13. ‘What’s your name?’ ‘Bob’ ‘Get the fuck away’”.


u/eeyore102 Nov 30 '22

I love how I can hear all of these replies in his voice. It wasn't just his off-the-wall takes on all sorts of mundane things, it was his delivery that sealed the deal.

One of my favorites of his:

I'm an ice sculptor. Last night, I made a cube.

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u/bush_mechanic Nov 30 '22

I love this joke, and it always reminds me of a Steven Wright joke:

One night I couldn't sleep, so I got up. I went down to this little 24 hour convenience store. When I got there the guy was outside locking up. He said, "Sorry, buddy. We're closed." I said, "What do you mean you're closed? The sign says 'Open 24 hours.'" He said, "Not in a row!"


u/Rubberbabybuggybum Nov 30 '22 edited Nov 30 '22

I went to a restaurant that had breakfast anytime. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

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u/the_krc Nov 29 '22

"Yeah, but what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing."

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u/quietandconstant Nov 29 '22

I feel very fortunate to have seen him perform 3 months before he passed. Absolutely amazing comedian, gone far too soon.


u/Jumajuce Nov 29 '22

I never got to see him before he died since I was pretty young and always wished I could have. I was at a comedy club a few years ago and got seated across from an older couple that we started talking to. The husband said he wanted to see Mitch Hedburg next time he was in NY, I didn’t have the heart to tell him.


u/ZweitenMal Nov 29 '22

I saw him in my college town, September 1995. He spent the first twenty minutes just being so far out there--fully a quarter of the audience left. Then he kind of rocked back on his heels and smiled and settled into his show.

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u/AMerrickanGirl Nov 29 '22

I saw him in 2003. Opening act for Dave Atell and Lewis Black.

Drove through a blizzard to get to that show. No way was I letting down my 13 year old and his two buddies. Best show ever.

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u/NoStrangerToTheRain Nov 29 '22

Forever my favorite. I still randomly quote him and having people know where the line is from is a good indicator that we can be friends.


u/NibblesMcGiblet Nov 29 '22

Just yesterday I opened a can of Pringles and thought about what a chill company they are, expecting tennis balls but getting potatoes and being like, “fuck it”.


u/New_Secretary_2008 Nov 29 '22

Fuck it cut em uuuuuup!

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u/Kayestofkays Nov 29 '22

Rice is great when you're hungry and want 2000 of something

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u/thequirkyquark Nov 29 '22

I genuinely believe Mitch began the type of observational comedy that eventually led to r/showerthoughts

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u/jeleyman Nov 29 '22


How do you feel about frilly toothpicks?


u/Snrub1 Nov 29 '22



u/ivo004 Nov 29 '22

This club is FORMED! Spread the word on menus nationwide!


u/Hellofriendinternet Nov 29 '22

I like my sandwiches with alfalfa sprouts!


u/Mikeg90805 Nov 29 '22

Well then you’re not in the fucking club


u/part_time_monster Nov 29 '22

I went to a pizzeria and ordered a slice of pizza and the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible.

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u/Unhappy-Craft-2609 Nov 29 '22

I saw a wine-O eating grapes.... I was like DUDE YOU HAVE TO WAIT

He would be so proud.

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u/MoirasPurpleOrb Nov 29 '22

What kind of bread? Banana!

What kind of cheese? Cottage!

Get the fuck out, I am not making a banana bread cottage cheese sandwich.

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u/sjoshuac Nov 29 '22

Let’s start a club!


u/SerbianTarHeel Nov 29 '22

and in the middle we dump chips!

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